I’m Starting The War On Onions

Recently started going on a health kick. More fruits, more veggies, not as many microwaveable lasagnas (still the worst type of Italian food btw) and definitely not as much booze. I don’t know what’s worse, not having a cocktail or two each night before bed or shoving my face full of God’s greenest rabbit food. My diet was a free-for-all from ages 14-28. I had more Papa John’s points than Southwest Rapid Rewards points up until mid-2014. My Taco Bell orders would average somewhere north of $11.50. I used to eat two Chipotle burritos by myself after hockey practice. I was the goalie, so I pretty much talked myself into deserving it. I grew up with Greg Goldberg, not Henrik Lundqvist. Cut a little slack on the line.

Even through all those years of Double Quarter Pounders, stuffed crust pizzas, tacos of all types, etc., there was one food that I still refuse to eat: ONIONS. Yeah. Those round, white demon spheres that taste like they have been marinating in trash for three days.

Now, before you start throwing shit at your computer in protest, let me elaborate. Raw onions — white, green or yellow — have no place in this world. NONE. Red onions? Delicious. Chop them up and throw them on a salad, into my guac, or whatever. Raw onions have ruined my life on several occasions. There’s really nothing worse than getting ready to take a big juicy bite of a $12 burger and then sinking your teeth into that disgusting, gutwrenching, abomination of a vegetable. It tastes like garbage. It ruins everything. It smells like an armpit, albeit a bit sweet, and tastes just as bad. These types of foods are not meant to be consumed raw. It’s basically a potato, but worse. Don’t get me started on the texture of an onion. It’s like if sand was edible. I want to grab the onion and go wave it in the face of the culinary amateur who decided that this was okay to put on food and scream at the top of my lungs in his face so he can smell what this devil vegetable has done to my breath.

How about yellow onions? Delicious when they’re slow cooked in butter or caked in delicious wet batter and deep fried on top of a brisket sandwich slathered in barbecue sauce (feels good to be back in KC). Raw, though? The sheer barbarity of that is enough to make me question the very origin of onions. Who thought to pull this bulbous thing out of the ground and eat it like an apple without cooking it first? Who’s that guy? Some neanderthal who decided it was good to keep these around for the lean days of winter, I bet. Then one day he accidentally dropped them in the fire, let some animal grease drip all over them and then all of the sudden they were absolutely delicious. That’s the guy who is the real hero in this story.

Is this rambling? You bet your next paycheck it is. I caught a stray green onion in my lunch and just about lost my mind, which is why I’m here now. Which brings me to green onions. So easily mistakeable as an actually delicious food/herb like basil or cilantro or I don’t know, chopped spinach. Sneaking right into your mouth and unwelcomingly filling your mouth with what basically amounts to an onion-flavored blade of grass.

Onions, man. Throw them in the skillet, deep fry them, put them in a slow cooking sauce or stew, use them in the crock pot. Don’t feed them to me raw. Don’t raw dog my onions.

Is this insane? I don’t think so. I think it’s a noble cause. I’m sick of this. Stop pretending like you don’t hate onions.

EDIT: Also, Buzzfeed, stop putting so many damn onions into those “Tasty” viral videos on Facebook. Buffalo Chicken puff pastries do not require any onions whatsoever. Tell the lazy culinary school dropout who makes those videos to get it together and cut it out.

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