Kansas City Is St. Louis’s Little Brother

Kansas City is St. Louis’s little brother. It’s true. Hate to say it, but it’s true. St. Louis is in fact an older city than Kansas City. It was founded before America was even a country by some French guys (Their names were literally Pierre and Auguste). Kansas City was later founded in the mid-19th century and was first settled by Mormons and Baptist missionaries (¯\_(ツ)_/¯). If I had to choose between being founded by the French or Mormons, I’d probably kill myself. So neither KC nor STL has any sort of high ground in that regard.

St. Louis at one point in time was one of the four largest cities in America, but that was when there were pretty much just four cities in America. St. Louis has a better baseball team than Kansas City. By that standard, St. Louis is KC’s big brother.

Much like brothers, we do share common bonds. We love sports, we share borders with political disaster states, we would gladly take a bullet for Gary Pinkel, we all know someone with a lake house, we love smoked meats (although we do it much better over here).

But don’t think for one minute that the Western side of Missouri has any sort of inferiority complex towards St. Louis in anything other than baseball. Unlike our Eastern counterparts, Kansas City’s national perception and identity are not based on our baseball team’s performance.

St. Louis can boast about the 11 World Series championships and two Hardees that occupy Busch Stadium, but outside of that, I’m not sure what else they bring to the table.

“BUT HOCKEY! THE BLUES! #LGB”

St. Louis and Kansas City are tied in all-time Stanley Cup championships (zero). Also, ever heard of the Kansas City Blades? 1992 IHL Turner Cup champions? Checkmate.

“We have the best pizza.”

A hot saltine cracker topped with plastic cheese and processed meat barely qualifies as food, let alone pizza. Also, the best St. Louis style pie resides in Kansas City at Waldo Pizza (Choice Cut with garlic ranch on the side. Shut it down). I almost ate enough Imo’s buffet pizza in Columbia to trick myself into thinking it was adequate sustenance, but most of the time I was too hungover to know better.

Same goes for toasted ravioli. Just because some chef got drunk and accidentally dropped some ravioli into a deep fryer doesn’t make you some sort of culinary Mecca. If your city’s signature dish is available in the frozen food aisle, I’d suggest you go back to the drawing board.

Don’t get me started on barbeque.

“We have the best fans in baseball.”

@BestFansStLouis

“Anheuser Busch is America’s greatest brewery.”

Got me there. The AB brewery tour is a must-do if you’re ever in St. Louis for some reason. It’s a beautiful facility. But once Boulevard starts putting Tank 7 in American flag cans, I’ll have a better argument here. As a Lake of the Ozarks/day drinking/leisure watercraft enthusiast, I have to tame my remarks in reference to the Great American Lager. Point to you, Big Brother. Just get that advertising under control.

budweiser_bottle_r_3284651b

“St. Louis is a bigger city than Kansas City.”

Let me stop you right there. Is St. Louis County bigger than KC? Yes. Does anyone live in the actual city of St. Louis anymore? Hell no. St. Louis’s population data will quite clearly show that…you know what? Why don’t I go with a visual representation of St. Louis’s population decline in the last 30 years?

And now let’s look at Kansas City:

St. Louis can continue claiming to be Kansas City’s big brother. The harsh truth of the matter is that KC is in fact St. Louis’s little brother. It’s the little brother with the hotter girlfriend, better job, more friends, great hair, bigger house and more expensive car.

tumblr_mbnmb1gBNO1rf9wg7o1_500

So keep claiming superiority over us and trying to compare yourself to Chicago. We’ll be over here laughing at you.

Go Royals.

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